For a very long time I have believed that I am in control of my life and capable of making my own decisions. It never occurred to me that there was a greater force that pulled the strings making me nothing more than a puppet. I have had fears that I couldn’t fathom but living in ignorance was a bliss.
Being raised by a single mom who did everything she could to make sure we got fed and well educated, no one ever expected me to turn into the person I am today. Some thought that I would use my painful background as motivation to live up to my dreams and reach what everyone viewed as success.
But I had them disappointed.
Back in primary school I used to be that smart boy who had some really good grades and loved maths and sciences. I would always study ahead and had my arm up ready to answer some if not all the question the teacher had in mind. Back at home I was that silent kid who didn’t fuss about a thing and my mom used to get worried simply because I was always okay with everything and never protested like normal kids did.
Later on I joined highschool and that’s when life started unfolding. In high school I started knowing stuff and experimenting on my extra curriculars.
It’s in highschool you get that introduction to the world of fun, girls and for most, booze.
Flashforward ,I finished I highschool and got to join the civilian world. After highschool my life took a really different turn . First I tried doing some really odd jobs just to get a chance at life and really messed up in the process.
A few months after I left home and decided to be in persuit of a path, I met a few people who credited my then deep voice and some encouraged me to even persue voice overs. I was connected with a voice coach someone I highly regard Ms Jenifer Kanari a very outstanding and professional lady. I took a few voice over classes and I was good to go. She linked me up with some really good deals but my sense of being back then was in some sort of dilemma.
I went for a few voice auditions and was successful at none. Not that I didn’t have the right skill set or had a shallow knowledge of language but there was something that always held me back. Something that told me I was undeserving.
So I went back to menial jobs just so I could afford my basic needs but with frustration tattooed all over my being.
A few months passed on and I heard of a music recording deal with five star records. I picked my sulked up self and went to the studio which was then in Umoja 1 estate in Eastlands. I got inside the booth and what came out of my mouth was fire as the music producer described it. Little did I know that I was to be shortlisted and receive a deal from them.
After my session I was asked for my details and was told to wait for a contract to be sent to me. A few days passed and I got a call, but sadly the call came on one of my lowest moments. It came at a time when I was in the counsel of the eerie voices that lived in my head.
That’s how opportunity came knocking and passed since the door was not answered.
Life has been a recurrence of my high and low moments,and I’ve had to relive this painful experiences over and over again. It got to a point I started doing drugs and looked for all sorts of escape.
I remember in 2018, reality hit me the hardest. I had no one to talk to, nothing to call my own and was drowning in debt. I decided I’ve had enough and wanted to rid the Earth of my filthy self. To clear my thoughts and see whether I really wanted to live,I packed a bag with a few things I could easily sell and left Nairobi.
I found myself in Mombasa after a nights journey, a journey that I couldn’t explain. I was rained on,not on arrival but all through the journey since my mind was to clumsy to notice that my window had been open all night and there was a storm.
On arrival I was so confused and wanted to drown in the ocean so bad but something held me back, and I embarked on another bus back to Nairobi.
“Maybe if I am to end my life, I shouldn’t make it hard on family” said a voice in my heart ” They deserve to know I am no more.”
If at all you are at the verge of despair, taking time off may slow things down and really helps in the long run. Take a walk and try to think things through.
Now am on a bus back to the famous Kanairo, it’s been two days without food in my belly and my brain feels clogged with endless thoughts,some of what reason I have to live and other voices contemplating suicide.
Talking is therapeutic. On arrival in Nairobi CBD I board a city shuttle bus that ferry’s people to Waithaka Express and seated next to me is a very bubbly lady. She noticed the discomfort I was trying to conceal and starts a conversation.
At her request ,I alight at her stage and she offers to buy me a drink so we can talk and maybe I can free myself from the bondage I’m in. All my life I thought angels come with wings and a Halo levitating on their heads but no. This lady is an angel in human skin. She tells me her story and I realized we had so much in common.
It’s through lady X that I realize I’m not alone and even though I still don’t open up I sigh with relief. There is a soothing feeling to knowing you are not the only one who has been going through stuff. Remember that time in school when you were caught in the wrong and had to be punished ? You were not a bad kid for being happy when you saw others being punished with you,it’s just human nature.
Fast forward,me and lady X become really great friends and I finally get to open up. It’s then I realized that the thing that has always held me back,the small voice that told me I can never be enough, is that broken part of me I have being trying to suppress ever since the day I lost my dad.
Not dealing with my child hood trauma has really cost me alot in life. I have lost friends who felt like I didn’t want them, I lost some really great woman,just because I was afraid to get to close and go through the pain of loosing them.
All my life I have been building walls just to barricade myself inside,where I took comfort in my lonelyness. My teachers dismissed my silence and alienation as a phase that I would get through but I never did.
Over time I turned from an introvert to a really bubbly extrovert and that transition really had a really great effect on me. I began loving myself more and letting go of all the past traumas. I learnt to accept the fact that my dad is gone and he wouldn’t want me to suffer and blame myself for his demise.
As hard as it is, if you loose some one allow yourself to mourn, allow yourself to be weak . Don’t pretend like all is okay. It’s through breaking that we heal. Take as much time as you need and shed tears if you have to.
As I share this, I am proud to say that I have had a way to deal with my demons and even though the fight is not yet over I have had some really great improvement. I no longer suffer from mental breakdowns and I wish the same for every one out there. I wish you conquer your inner most traumas.
Life may seem to have a way in taking things and people that we care for the most but it doesn’t make that the end of it. It’s through these weakest moments in life that we realize our greatest strengths.
No matter how hard things may seem to be, choose to focus on that silver lining on the dark cloud. Allow yourself to heal and take time for you. You can live through anything no matter how hard it seems to be.
Don’t allow yourself to be a prisoner of your past. You are capable of dealing with whatever situation life brings your way.
There is a mantra we were taught in the voice over sessions and using it reassures me of the strength I have in me.
” I am a Gibor (gibor is Hebrew for male) I am strong I am powerful . I am intelligent . I, am a prevailor”
For ladies. “I am a Nicava(feminine) I am strong ,I am powerful. I, am a conduit of wisdom.”
As subtle as mantras seem to be, they real build up in us some great sense of being.
May you have a wonderful weekend ahead and may all your wounds find healing. I write this with love.